Dick Hate: Rinse, Wash, Repeat

Dick Cheney Totally Hates You
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, November 3, 2006

That shirt you're wearing right now? Chances are, Dick Cheney hates it . That car you drive? Thinks it's for whiny un-American pansies. The fact that you've probably eaten tofu and wear designer shoes and have actually had sex while standing up? Pervert heathen traitor to the real America, Dick thinks. He hates that.

Some days, Dick has trouble counting all the ways in which he hates you, the world, life. Some days, he hates the fact that there are not enough hours in the day for him to count the ways in which he hates you and all you probably stand for. This makes him sad. Which he also hates.

It is a question often asked these days: Whence comes all this dark, dank feeling in America? Why does all seem tainted and soiled and lost lo these past years? When did simply being an American turn so dour and gray, like someone poured gasoline into a big glass of Sunny Delight? Here, I firmly believe, is a great portion of your answer.

It has become a national pastime, of sorts, listing all the things and all the events and all types of people -- liberals journalists prisoners suspects foreigners Democrats moderates animals environmentalists trees pacifists 'Nam vets women clean air -- Dick Cheney hates every single day. Even Republicans are a little taken aback by the length of the list.

Recently, this dark pall has become even more evident . Cheney's trademark hate spewed forth all over the media, like smoking black roof tar, when he appeared Fox News and claimed that the insane, increasing violence in Iraq between the Sunni and Shiite militias, the groups who are now killing each other and killing U.S. soldiers and causing havoc as a result of our failed invasion and failed puppet government and failed foreign policy, these vicious militias are killing even more right now because, well, because they read DailyKos.com.

And also, Truthout. And the New York Times. And this very newspaper.

In other words, Dick Cheney believes these radicals read lots of American liberal media and therefore understand that our midterm elections are upon us and that almost every Republican warmongering jackal is on the ropes, and if they increase their attacks it will only make Republicans look even worse than they do all by themselves -- which is, of course, already bad enough.

This is what Dick actually said. Why is the Iraq war deteriorating so horribly? Because Republicans are suffering. And the terrorists have it in for the GOP because the GOP fights for freedom and love and soft warm puppies, and terrorists hate that mushy stuff! This is what Dick wants Fox viewers to believe -- despite how, of course, years of insane GOP warmongering have given the world's terrorists everything they could've ever dreamed.

It's true. The terrorists of the world, including Osama, would love nothing more than 20 more years of Dick 'n' Dubya , if only to encourage more global instability, to rile more foreign resentment against BushCo's increasingly self-righteous, insular, vicious United States.

In other words, the terrorists love Dick. He and Dub and the World's Worst Administration have made for the greatest recruitment campaign in terrorist history. And man, does Dick hate that.

Yes, Dick hates your understanding of these ideas, your automatic recoil at his idiotic statements. He hates the fact that you know, when he comes out in support of torture and the "no-brainer" dunking of prisoners, that he's merely kowtowing to the last remaining lowest-common-denominator voting bloc of the GOP, the gun-totin' kill-'em'-all flyover-state fundamentalists who are, in their way, little different than the Taliban.

He knows you know. It doesn't matter. Because he hates them, too. "Dumbass vermin," he doubtlessly muttered, just under his breath, as the Fox cameras clicked off. Then he just chuckled.

In fact, it is very easy to go so far as to say that Dick Cheney hates his own boss and president, George W. Bush. Can you not tell?

Oh sure, Dick enjoys how tractable and malleable George is, how easily Dick can get his own nasty agenda items across and how he is often considered the "real" president, the most influential and draconian VP of all time. That makes him feel good, despite how good feelings are complete BS and make him suspicious as hell, which he hates.

But deep down, Dick secretly hates the fact that George is such an easily manipulable dink . And if there's one thing Dick hates, it's dinks.

Now, you might say, I do not like all this talk of hate. You might say, I do not like the fact that you talk about the vice president as hating me, my life, everything I stand for, even the life force itself. It all sounds so very ... hateful.

This is understandable. It is not a comfortable feeling. It is not something in which anyone but Dick Cheney likes to wallow for very long. But it must be noted here, because perhaps more than any other single human in recent history, Dick Cheney has brought the emotion of hate into the forefront of our national consciousness. He has made it our top agenda item, our most defining characteristic, the thing which we let spread around us, like a cancer. Karl Rove might've been BushCo's master architect, but Cheney provided all the nails.

But now, the good news. If Dick's hate of all things life-giving and positive and peaceful has been, in fact, some sort of enormous cosmic test, the thing we had to survive most, perhaps even more than Dubya's embarrassing, inarticulate bumbling, then it appears we have succeeded. Or rather, we're beginning to. The GOP is down to its last stockpiles of bilious gunpowder. The homophobia and the fearmongering now seem transparent and childish. The desperation is palpable and acrid. The beast is slumping, slowly, meanly, angrily back to its cave.

What, then, happens to all that built-up hate? What of that feeling that has, for so long, festered in the American heart, planted there by Dick in the hopes that it would spread and tumesce and keep us bitter and knee-jerk and reactive and controllable for decades to come?

Well, perhaps now, with the crumbling of the pseudo-fascist GOP empire, is when a bizarre transmogrification can occur. Now is maybe when the switch can be flipped and the poles can reverse and the hate actually implodes in on itself, burning us all clean. Or, you know, a little less dirty, which, at this point, is a damn good start.

In other words, maybe now is when we can once again begin to embrace those things, those ideas and those candidates and those clothes and those sexual positions and those nuances and those shoes and those books and those institutions that lie in direct opposition to Dick Hate.

It is, after all, a simple law of the universe: The more you love the vibrant and defiant and independent-minded gobs of this life, the more those things that are not those things will simper and shiver and wail.

See? It's already happening. Look closer at that Fox footage. Dick looks lost . He looks deadened. He looks, well, more than a little desperate. And man, Dick really hates that.

Which is, of course, a very good sign indeed.

Like leaving a long bitter winter, you can't argue with a change in the weather.

Still, it would be better than just "a very good sign if people would try to understand why the Cheneys and the Nixons of the world rise to power... and correct the problem.

...There are men who hold the keys
to set everybody free
but they are lonely ones.
And if the day should come
when they all can work as one
there'll be a destiny...
-Dave Mason, It's Like You Never Left